Not too long ago, I was down at Naval Air Station Patuxent and got to see some of the cool stuff there. You know, planes and such. While all the Naval Air Power was cool, the most enlightening part of the trip was seeing the names painted on the sides of the plane. In the movies, pilots have cool call signs. Names like “Hollywood,” “Starbuck,” “Apollo,” and “Maverick” grace the airwaves. However, this apparently is not the case. Instead of the above cool names, the fighers were adorned with such monikers as “Big Gay Viking” and “Big Gay Al.” Naturally, this got me thinking: what if Top Gun was like real life?
“Hey Big Gay Viking you big stud!”
“That’s me, honey.”
“Take me to bed or lose me forever.”
“Show me the way home, honey.”
“He loved flying with you, Timmeh.”
“You up for this one, Timmeh?”
“It’s just a walk in the park, Stay Puft.”
“You two really are cowboys.”
“What’s your problem, Stay Puft?”
“You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.”
“That’s right! Stay… puft. I am dangerous.”
“Good morning, gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees.”
“Holy shit, it’s Big Gay Al!”
“Viper’s up here, great… oh shit…”
“Great, he’s probably saying, ‘Holy shit, it’s Timmeh and Big Gay Viking.’”
“Yeah, I’m sure he’s saying that.”
“Penny Benjamin?”
“And you asshole, you’re lucky to be here!”
“Thank you, sir.”
“And let’s not bullshit Timmeh. Your family name ain’t the best in the Navy. You need to be doing it better, and cleaner than the other guy. Now what is it with you?”
“Just want to serve my country, be the best pilot in the Navy, sir.”
“Don’t screw around with me Timmeh. You’re a hell of an instinctive pilot. Maybe too good. I’d like to bust your butt but I can’t. I got another problem here. I gotta send somebody from this squadron to Miramar. I gotta do something here, I still can believe it. I gotta give you your dream shot! I’m gonna send you up against the best. You two characters are going to Top Gun.”
“I think I’ll go embarrass myself with Big Gay Viking.”
“This is what I call a target rich environment.”
“You live your life between your legs Timmeh.”
“Goose, even you could get laid in a place like this.”
“Hell, I’d be happy to just find a girl that would talk dirty to me.”
“No. No, Timmeh, this is not a good idea.”
“Sorry Big Gay Viking, but it’s time to buzz a tower.”
“God, he loved flying with you Timmeh. But he would’ve done it anyway… without you. He’d have hated it, but he would’ve done it.”
“How ya doin’?”
“I’m all right.”
“Big Gay Viking is dead.”
“I know.”
“You fly jets long enough, something like this happens.”
“He was my R.I.O., my responsibility.”
“My squadron we lost 8 of 18 aircraft. 10 men. First one dies you die too, but there will be others. You can count on that. You gotta let him go. You gotta let him go. “
“It’s the bottom of the 9th, the score is tied its time for the big one.”
“You up for this one, Timmeh?”
“Just a walk in the park Stay Puft.”
“Standby, Big Gay Al’s coming down.”
“Talk to me, Big Gay Viking!”
