Hello Mr. Lincoln! Sir, this is Harry Gibson of the Tightfit Stovepipe Hat Company, and how are you today? Well that’s fine to hear, and Mrs. Lincoln is well, too? That’s good. Now, I just wanted to talk to you a bit about a great new choice of headwear I have to offer you… Now Mr. Lincoln, I know that you may think your current model is suiting you just fine, but are you aware of some of the major advances in Stovepipe Hat technology in just the few last years? For example, what are the safety features of your current hat? Tisk tisk, sir, for a family man such as your self that is downright irresponsible.
Now, take our new model, the Steamfit 900, new for ’61: not only does it have extra storage space under the brim, but in the case of an emergency, there is a special parachute that instantly deploys! That’s right! No, no, you don’t need to worry at all about the costs of such basic features! They’re all included for no extra charge.
However, there are a variety of ways you can outfit, upgrade, and personalize your Steamfit 900 Stovepipe hat. You don’t have to opt only for black anymore, with such varied colors as coal, dark grey, night, goth, burnt wood, off-black, and lavender, all available upon request. Furthermore, you can opt for luxery upgrades, such as built-in mobile phone, HD radio, and 36” brims.
And let’s not forget after-market add-on packages. You can get an aerodynamics improving fin (great for keeping the Steamfit Stovepipe on while galloping down main street!), special decals, or LoJack.
So, Mr. Lincoln, how soon can we deliver to you (through overnight or Pony Express 3-day) your new Steamfit 900 Stovepipe hat? You’ll be the talk of the town, the love of the ladies, and on top of all that, you’ll look great, too. As soon as possible, you say? That’s great, Mr. Lincoln, I’ll just have your account charged and we’ll send one out right this minute. You can just throw that old hat away, you’ll be ashamed to wear it after seeing this beaut! Thank you for your business, Mr. Lincoln, you won’t regret it!
