So I’m poking through some old files, and I found this:
Pirates V. Ninjas
With the rising popularity of pirates and ninjas, the merits of each side have been hotly debated. Both pirates and ninjas have their supporters, and each party makes valid points as to their warrior’s strengths and weaknesses, their pros and cons. However, in order to decide which is better, pirates or ninjas, there is really only one true test:
If you battled 100 ninjas against 100 pirates in a fight, who would win?
As we all know, of course, the implications of the answer to this are many and great. As such, I will try to be as impartial as possible in my following analysis. To answer this question fully, there are many aspects which must be taken into account, including experience, weaponry, and expertise. All will be taken under equal consideration.
The first thing that must be considered in this analysis is the size of the forces. Both pirates and ninjas will have the same number of fighters. However, both sides will not use them in the same way. 100 people can be a large number of people in order to effectively organize into a fighting force, especially for relatively unorthodox groups such as pirates and ninjas. However, this does not mean that neither side will use their 100 fighters well. Pirates, despite the annoyances of living on a cramped ship, were used to garnering forces of 100 people or more. In this fight, presented with 100 people, the pirate side will have no problem focusing their tendencies and tenacity towards the common enemy: ninjas. However, ninjas normally did not fight in groups approaching anywhere near 100 people, using instead what amounted to more appropriately sized strike forces, the sort of black ops of their day. 100 ninja warriors, therefore, might find themselves at a hindrance instead of a benefit faced with organizing so many. The greatest effect of this overpopulation of ninja forces, as it seems to me, would be the loss of their closest ally: stealth. So many fighters are difficult to hide all in one tree.
The next thing to be considered is simply finding the enemy. Traditionally, the ninja’s greatest strength has been stealth. The ninja is renowned for its ability to remain unseen. However, as discussed above, the sheer size of the force for the ninjas could easily render this ability less useful. Furthermore, pirates were not unappreciative of the great value of information. Pirates, whenever possible, would not go blindly into a situation; they gathered intel. Thus, the ninja’s own diminished ability combined with the pirate’s intelligence gathering operations could easily make the pirates well aware of where to find the enemy. However, even though the pirates would know where the ninjas were before the fight, the ninjas would not be left with their pants down. Although the pirates had their own methods of “stealth,” a group of 100 pirates in fight garb would be quickly identified by the ninjas. We therefore face a showdown: 100 pirates quickly approaching the ninjas, each side ready to attack.
After these deliberations, the fight will begin with the first blow. This will be from the pirates. Initially, the pirates will be hesitant to attack, as their favorite tactic is to simply scare the enemy into submission. The ninjas, of course, will not be afraid. Thus, the pirates will open up first, because they are in possession of the only long-range weapons: cannons and rifles. The ninja, preferring hand-to-hand combat, will be unable to defend against exploding shells and rifle balls, and will be similarly unable to counterattack. These initial barrages will eliminate much of the ninja threat.
However, pirates do not exclusively focus on such weapons. They will attempt to land, and attack the ninjas using more primitive techniques, including handguns, cutlasses, clubs, and the like. Although pirates were necessarily skilled with such weapons, this is where the ninjas excel. Thus the ninjas, although with a diminished force, will be able to manage the pirates. However, this is not to say the pirates won’t score some kills. This is to say that the ninjas will score more of (though not all of) the kills during this part of the battle.
Therefore, the numbers of ninjas and pirates will begin to come closer together. Unfortunately, however, when they do converge, it will be at zero. Because both pirates and ninjas are so effective at killing, albeit specializing in different scenarios and techniques, neither side will come out ahead. The side that will come out ahead is the side that was standing idly by the side. Because once all the pirates and ninjas are dead, they’ll have plenty of rum, a free pleasure boat, and a whole lotta shiny ninja swords to play with. Yay, ninja swords!
