Retirement Plans

Plan #1:
Sit on my ass doing nothing for several years. Wait until ass bonds with seat. Get on news. Sell rights to the movie.

Plan #2:
Claim to write the great American novel. Then claim to have stored it in bank vault in Switzerland. Then claim that they won’t let me have my novel back until I pay several thousand dollars in fees. Then claim to let anyone who helps to pay fees to have a cut of the profits. Get some Nigerian scammers to send out emails to this effect.

Plan #3:
Invent a robot that turns household dust into ice-cream. Call it the IceCream-o-Tron 6000. Only makes Strawberry-Pistachio flavor, though.

Plan #4:
Start a Syrup of ipecac factory near where all the models live in Hollywood.

Plan #5:
Give away all my earthly possessions in an act of charity. Then claim some terrible disaster happened to me, and quietly ask for all of it back. People will feel sorry for me, so they’ll give me more.

Plan #6:
Grow designer prostethic beards.

Plan #7:
Start new shoeless trend, wherein everybody goes around shoeless. Offer to take everybody’s shoes off their hands. When they realize it’s a terrible idea, sell their shoes back to them.

Plan #8:
Go around in the night cutting off everybody’s arm. Then start an arms manufacturing company. I just wanted to use a pun there.

Plan #9:
Start an exclusive club. Make it so everybody wants to join. Charge high membership fees. When people finally join, only give them a card that says “Well, that was stupid.”

Plan #10:
Go to New York City. Set up podium on street corner. Start talking. Get elected Mayor. Actually, that’s just a fun weekend.

Plan #11:
Copyright all prime numbers. This will be hardest on rock bands, because they’ll no longer be able to say “One, two, one two three four,” and only be able to say “four.” Then charge exorbitant licensing fees.